Warning! This is a venting post, so please feel free to ignore and look forward to my next (more pleasant) post :) I am feeling so overwhelmed right now. I think it was a combination of contractions throughout the day, not feeling well in general, a crabby 3 year old and feeling over scheduled that pushed me over the edge.
I love being in Young Women's, but it is getting awfully tiring. My advisor is undergoing chemo so I have been flying solo for a number of months now. I have to teach 2-3 times a month (which usually entails about 10 hrs of prep), go to all of the midweek activities and extra meetings and worry relentlessly about my girls. Sometimes I feel like I just don't have any more to give. I think the Tuesday activities only became hard when I had to start taking Alexandra with me. It is so hard on her when I pick her up from the sitter's house and have to drag her somewhere. Those nights usually end with us both in tears.
I don't know why I feel like I have to do everything. On Saturday we went and picked strawberries, went to Ali's gymnastics show and then came home and I canned jam and made bread all night. Why?!? I don't even really like jam - why do I put myself through this? This is when the daily contractions started. Since Saturday I feel like I have been going nonstop. Usually this is the way I roll, so not being able to do it (physically or emotionally) makes me feel like a loser. So, I buck up, do it and deal with being crazy. Or I should say that my poor husband deals with me being crazy.
I keep going back and forth on whether or not I should pick a day to stop working. I keep feeling like I am going to have this baby early so I don't want to set a date (but that means I will probably go late!). I don't want to sit at home feeling guilty that I could be a work making a bit more money. It is so dumb! Who cares about a couple hundred bucks when I feel this bad about everything.
I am getting to the nesting stage and have a huge list of things I want to get done. So, my lucky husband and I get to spend the 4th of July weekend cleaning, organizing and prepping for the baby. I do not want to be in the hospital stressing about this or that not being ready. I figure I have to push hard for a few more weeks, then I can be overwhelmed in a whole new fashion :) I know I am being unrealistic about what life will be post baby #2. I know that my struggles now will seem more desirable in a few months - but for now it is the light at the end of my tunnel. I dream of not feeling like a bad mom because I am tired and totally spent from a day at work. Staying at home with babies is so hard, but I think I will be more successful this ago than last.
With all that said, I am grateful to be healthy and mostly mentally stable up to this point :) There is so much to look forward to and I know that I can get there!
5 comments:
oh sissy, i KNOW how you are feeling! it's a combination of everything going in your life to make you feel so and it doesn't make you a bad person/mother. you do need to restrain from doing so much so you can take better care of yourself. can you talk to your yw pres. and tell her you need help with your calling since your partner isn't there. they need to have a plan b/c you are going to have a baby and not be totally available for a bit. i know it's hard to take the 3 yr old somewhere late and off schedule so just let her do her own thing when you go. if she loves succors, have a huge succor she can work on during that time or some comfort thing. it helps me with liam.
i admire you and how much you do, but think about yourself and your family as those in need too. don't overbook yourself so much that you can't care as well for them as you try to do for others.
i love you and think you are wonderful and beautiful!
I'm rooting for you Kelsey! I'm so sorry you're stressed out - I know that guilt is the worst! =) You are superwoman y'know that right? ;D (and she needs days to vent and wind down too even if she isn't 8 months pregnant!) Be kind to yourself - you have accomplished so much!
Kelsey-
You are totally justified in vented. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! In a different way of course, but being crazy sucks, cause I know what's logical, but so many things just send me over the edge! We're remodeling a home right now and it's freaking frustrating because I too want to nest, get things cleaned and ready, BUT I CAN'T! Ahh! Anyways- suggestions at this point, for me at least, are NOT helpful, so I won't give you any! Just know that you're not alone in your craziness! Hugs,
Jenna
Kelsey, you are great! We all have times when there seems to be a need for 27 hours in a day now and then. Of course, we would fill those to the brim as well. I wish you all of the best and the only advice I will offer is to take care of yourself so those contractions stop because if that baby came too early that stress would be, well you get the idea. You and your baby are in our prayers!
I love you!!
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