My birthday is this week and for real it makes my anxiety go through roof! Most people who have been to one of my birthday parties would be surprised by this because they're kind of a big deal. A friend of mine asked why I throw such a big event for my own birthday if I don't even like my birthday - truth time - its my way of coping. I can control everything from who is invited to what we eat, the theme, the date, the decorations, the favors, the flowers, all of it and everyone is so busy partying it up that I can be the worker bee and not have any attention on myself. It has turned into a way to guilt people into showing up because you know, its my birthday. But in all reality I work tirelessly to give the amazing women in my tribe a night off, a night to be catered to and thought of and spoiled. Basically I do for them what fills my soul and gears me up for another day.
I have struggled with self esteem and confidence for pretty much my entire life. I really don't like to be the center of attention. But I always feel compelled to create environments where others feel valued and a part of something. One of my greatest fears in life is not mattering, not making a difference, not leaving the world a better place. I want so deeply to show others that they matter. That I see them, that their existence is meaningful to me. I will cook for hours, clean furiously, carefully arrange flowers and thoughtfully pick out favors to say "Guess what - its all for you! You are worth it!" I have found that the older I get the more I feel myself fading into the background While I am truly blessed and grateful to be a wife and a mother, I struggle with finding my identity in the mix of it all. I struggle with knowing what makes me unique, what lights my fire, what only I can offer this world.
May highlights all of these insecurities between Mother's Day and my birthday. I feel as though a spotlight shines on my failures and all I can see are the ways I mess up each day in raising my kids. I see a life that is not the one I envisioned. I see myself just trying to survive and praying each day for the will and power to learn to thrive. I see goals unmet, bad habits still holding on strong and another year gone, gone without the growth I had hoped for. I want to see the beauty, the blooming flowers, the budding trees, the sunshine on my face. I want see the way the girls light up in excitement to celebrate, not their concern as I struggle to smile. I want to feel included, thought of, loved. Its during these times that I am reminded of the way mental illness shrouds every part of life. It cloaks everything in darkness. Sometimes I am just too tired to fight it. Sometimes I allow myself to wallow in it.
And perhaps that is why throwing a party is my saving grace. Work has always been my strongest weapon against the darkness of anxiety and depression. Creating something wonderful is the best way I know how. And so I will drive my husband crazy as I obsess over every detail, as I get a little frantic when its down to the wire. But after its done, when everyone has gone home and I sit in the dark with my favorite chocolate cake, I will feel for a moment that I matter. That I have the ability to give others a bit of light. That my struggles and fears will not bury me. That this unexpected life that I have been blessed with is better than the one of my dreams.
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