What lies beneath

I find it fascinating that there is a great disparity between the perceptions others have of me and the image I have of myself.  A sweet friend of mine is always telling me how impressed she is that I am so put together.  I graciously thank her but am always perplexed because I don't feel put together.  I don't feel successful at many things and I don't feel like I get anything done.  And when it comes down to it, my perception is reality...right?
I feel quasi bi-polar because I will be going full force one week and be bored out of my mind the next.  The weeks when I am incredibly busy are my best weeks.  I feel productive and happy and I get everything done.  When I have an abundance of time I waste it and it is completely pathetic.  I feel like I have only two settings, on and off.  I need to find a happy medium.
I try really hard to not be a complainer (although I complain a TON to my sweet sissys, thanks for listening!) or be too needy.  My mom always taught me that I need to be independent and I always thought I was, until now.  I have come to realize that I NEED friends so badly.  I need people to do things with or not do anything with but spend time.  I often feel like a lost puppy, begging people to play with me.  I am dependent upon others in a way that I think is unhealthy because I really struggle being home, with just my kids, all day, all week long. 
I have tried so hard over the past few years to be the best friend I can to the people in my sphere but I don't feel that it matters.  I have struggled because some people simply don't understand and think that I am just a drama queen.  I don't try to be, I really don't.  I guess I am simply too literal.  If someone tells me they want to/will do something, then I expect it will happen.  If someone expresses they care about me, I expect they do.  But I suppose expectation is a reservation at the disappointment hotel.  I need to accept what others have to offer and be thrilled with it.
I am trying to bridge the chasm between my poor self image and the person others see that I can be.  I want to see myself the way others do.  I want to feel like that woman.  I am not happy when I feel bad about myself.  I know some people think that you should just change how you feel and get over it.  Believe me, I have been trying for over a decade and for me it is simply not that easy.  Oh how I wish it were though!
I am learning to rely more on Anthony.  He is incredible but sometimes I don't give him credit for being so emotionally strong for me.  I am learning that it is okay to show my weaknesses.  And beyond that, it is okay when others don't recognize when I need help.  I think this is the most difficult thing for me to come to terms with.  I have a problem with asking for help, I really do.  I am total control freak and asking for help releases control.  So in my warped mind, the people close to me would know what I am going through and simply do things to alleviate a bit of pressure.  I know this is a silly way of thinking, but I try so hard to look for what others need and just give it without asking.  I have learned that this (as with most aspects of my personality!) is not normal.  Yes, I am an odd ball - big shocker huh?
My goals are to gain a better self image and to celebrate that I am a worthwhile woman and to love and accept others for who they truly are and not to expect anything from them.  I have prayed and fasted for years to be able to do these two things.  I am coming to terms with the fact that it may take a lifetime, but I am going to keep working on it.  I am hoping that others will be patient with me and still love me even though I can be frustrating and they don't understand why I am the way that I am.