Why hello there!

Its time.  Time to start blogging again.  Time to get my thoughts out there.  Time to document the life of our little family.  Because it all goes so fast and I forget.  I forget the good, the funny, the hard, the amazing, the surprising moments that make up each day in our home.  And I don't want to lose them. I don't want to lose these incredible gifts.  I have learned over the pass couple of years that I haven't been blogging (or journaling in any form) that great joy comes from stopping for a moment, noticing, and documenting.  So here we go.
The last few years have thrown me for a loop and I think (I hope) I am finally finding a bit of firm ground and reorienting myself to my new normal.  Let's roll back to 2013.  I finally felt like I could go through the process of trying to have another baby.  After a few months I was pregnant and oh so excited.  Then, in June I miscarried our long awaited for 3rd baby.  It is no secret that hormones and I are not friends.  I had horrible postpartum depression with Ali and Sophi and again with this miscarriage.  I was not ready for that.  I struggled for months but didn't know how to articulate why I was so low.  We were then blessed with another pregnancy at the end of November and I was terrified, terrified and oh so sick.  My other pregnancies were overall very easy, with little sickness.  This fourth one was an entirely different story.  I felt like karma was trying to teach me to have more compassion for women who have hard pregnancies and boy did it!  I felt so terrible and so afraid of losing this baby.  To top it off we had a very long, bitter winter that year.  I only left my house when absolutely necessary and Anthony worked a lot of hours and traveled 2 weekends a month.  The combination of all of this sent me spiraling into yet another depression.
As spring rolled around I began feeling better and as my body bounced back, so did my mental health.  Summer was filled with days at the pool and naps.  As my due date approached I was filled with dread of another bad bout of postpartum depression.  We ended up moving a couple of weeks before my due date, then discovered that the baby (Lydia) was breech.  All of the craziness kept me occupied but still I was afraid.  I had a c-section August 4, 2014 and my sweet Lydia Grace joined our family.  I was determined to not get depressed after this delivery.  So I threw myself back into life as soon as I was physically able to do so.  I thought that by moving forward as though everything was the same, that I would be ok.  This plan worked well on the surface but I was suffering in deep parts of my heart.  I bonded so well with Lydia and was able to manage our kids and our home pretty well.  But I didn't allow myself to feel the negative and difficult emotions that I so greatly feared.  The depression truly was not as bad as I anticipated but the anxiety was a struggle.  This was a blessing from a kind and loving Heavenly Father.  The depression would have been debilitating, the anxiety I was able to mange.  I needed this tender mercy so that I would be able to face and handle the trials that would come in my life throughout the following year.
And so we continued on with life.  I worked to be okay, to be strong for those who needed me to be strong and to do all of the things I thought were expected of me.  But it was hard, so, so hard.  And no one really knew (expect for my sweet sisters and Anthony).  I didn't want negativity and depression to rule my life and I didn't know how do achieve this other than pretending I didn't feel it.  Occasionally I would succumb to a day of pjs and Netflix, but for the most part I thought I was holding it together.  Until August 2015.
A number of pressures and unchecked emotions and frustrations culminated and I literally had a breakdown.  I was not okay.  I did not want to be me for one more day.  I didn't want to be the person who was always there, who would always say yes, who would always go above and beyond.  I was tired, so tired of being that person.  I felt that no one cared for me, for Kelsey, rather only wanted what I could give, what I could do.  I was done with all of that and I frankly I didn't care how people would respond.  I didn't say things the right way or communicate appropriately, but I was so hurt and so tired of trying to make sure everyone else was okay that I just expressed all of my pain and anger.  And it didn't go over well.  I permanently damaged some relationships and that hurts my heart.  I wish I would have done it differently, but I didn't.  But through that process I started to change.
I started therapy soon thereafter and started a journey of self realization and discovery.  I have been on a mission to find out who I am, what makes me happy and how do I fill all of the roles I have while still taking care of myself.  Its been wonderful, its been hard, its been eye opening and it has overall been a great growth experiment.  I have learned that not everyone will like or love me.  But that is okay!  I don't have to bribe or try to convince people to walk my journey with me.  The people who see the real me and love me anyway, love me despite my quarks, my rough edges, my personal battles, those are the people I need to cherish and devote my time to.  I too need to recognize that everyone is fighting their own battle.  And if I am to walk on someone else's journey, I need to love them when its hard.
2016, you are a welcome sight!  As I have spilled my thoughts I have been filled with excitement for what is to come.  The next 12 months are bound to be hard, they always are!  But they will also certainly be filled with a bounty of good.  I want to see, to feel, to relish in and celebrate all the good in my life, because there is so much!  I want have greater faith, greater love and a more compassionate heart.  I want to make this version of myself, the best one yet.  But it will look and feel so different.  I will probably throw fewer parties, clean less, volunteer less, organize less and appear less 'put together'. But I intend to laugh more, smile more, play more, and enjoy more - and I can't wait.  I can't wait to be real with myself and those around me.  I know that I will have ups and downs.  I will still get frustrated and want to hide under the covers - but that is life and its okay.  It will be okay when people say things that hurt or don't love me the way I so badly desire.  It will be okay when I feel like a failure as mom.  It will all be okay because I am learning that I am okay, actually, I am pretty awesome!  And that is probably the first time in my 31 1/2 years on this earth that I have said it, felt it and meant it.