Feeling vulnerable

Today I am feeling vulnerable.  I don't know why.  Maybe its the quiet house, the rain, my inability to start on the long list of things to do.  Vulnerability feels like a sheet over my face.  It makes me panic, makes it hard to breath, it terrifies me.  I recently realized that I struggle getting my feelings and my reality on the same page.  I struggle when my eyes see things that contradict the way I feel and I get confused, don't know what to trust, who to trust.  I am so much happier when my heart is open but I have felt it closing off, shutting down, going into self protection mode.
Its so easy for people to see what they want, especially when you show them what they want to see.  I feel as though I have been trying to train myself to not feel hurt, to not feel alone, to be content. Today I can't do any of those things.  Today I feel them all.  There was not a specif action, no catalyst, just my insecurities haunting me again.  The demons I try to shutout and work to overcome do not stay quiet for long.  They creep in, slowly like moonlight and then flood my heart and mind, wanting me to succumb to despair.  This must be why I feel so vulnerable.  My guard is down and I feel unprotected.  The surface remains the same but underneath is in complete turmoil.
My girls and Anthony, they are the victims of these bouts.  My patience is nonexistent and I close myself off, isolate myself and limit affection.  I hate this.  I want to feel even keeled and strong every day, but that is not my reality.  It never will be.  I know that I am loved, but I want to feel it.  I want  reality and my heart in sync with what I know is true.  I want to feel proud of myself and accomplished.  I think that is why I am always doing silly health challenges.  Control.  I can follow the rules, I can see results, I can be proud.  But it doesn't extend to all aspects of my life.  I want my mom to be proud of the woman I have become.  I want  my husband to proud of the mother I am.  I want to feel that the things I do, the things I struggle so hard to accomplish mean something.
Today I am going to have to accept vulnerable.  Because I know it will pass.  I know I will feel better at some point and I look forward to that.  I am learning that loving and accepting myself means at all stages, in all ways.  Not just when I am where it feels comfortable.  I have also learned that the people I want in my life are those who also accept me in all my forms.  Because they know that despite the bumps, the overall ride is pretty okay.