Guess what, nobody cares!

I had this realization a few days ago that nobody will ever know the little number written on the inside of my jeans!  And they will never know the disorderly state of my basement or the fact that things literally fall out of my pantry when you open the door.  They won't know how messy or clean my linen closet is.  Nor will know about the pile of un-hung picture frames in my room, which is in the corner opposite the pile of paid bills and other miscellaneous mail.  Not to mention, even if they knew, which you all do now, no one would care!

This new found knowledge was freeing.  Weird, I know.  People always say "oh you don't have to pick up for me" or "I don't care what your house looks like".  And I'm sure they mean it.  But I don't listen.  I keep telling myself that I'm not doing if for them, I'm doing it for me.  Guess what, that's a lie.  I'm doing it for you.  I'm doing it because I don't want you to know the truth - I'm a slob.  Yes, a total and complete slob.  My family actually called me Bob the Slob growing up, it was that bad.  I don't want you to think I am lazy.  When Anthony and the big girls were gone a few weekends ago my house was a disaster and I was completely relaxed.  I knew that I would get around to picking up Lydia's toys, doing the dishes and straightening the couch cushions, but I didn't care if it was mess and I knew that Lydia didn't care, so I just left it until about an hour before Anthony came home.  Because for some reason I had in my mind that he would care.  I thought that if he walked in and saw the house in disarray he would think "man, what have you been doing all day" and judge me.  But he wouldn't and he didn't and he won't.  And neither would you.  You would get it.  You would see that life was being lived and maybe feel more comfortable and at ease in my home because you would know that I was comfortable and at ease with the state of things and the state of life.

This happens with so many areas in my life.  I stress and worry and work to make sure that everything is the way it should be.  What does that mean anyway?  Who has created 'the way it should be'?  I am goal oriented, I like progressing in life but many times I set these arbitrary goals and then worry and fret and belittle myself when they aren't being met by some arbitrary timeline.  I have been stressing out lately about my weight.  Silly, I know, but hey we're going to Jamaica and I have to wear a swimsuit - yikes!  But really, I'm doing okay.  My husband will still love me if I don't hit some magically number on the scale and I doubt I will get booed off the beach. Not to mention I will probably be a lot happier after I stuff 4 homemade cinnamon rolls into my mouth.  Again, what is my long term goal?  Am I being kind to myself? Am I focusing on the many good choices I make or just being harsh over the small indulgences?

We get caught in this trap of needing to do and to accomplish with hopes of feeling valued.  I bet you are doing many, many things right, every single day and yet, if you're anything like me, you're pounding on yourself for the few things you didn't get to.  Give yourself a break, because nobody cares!  I think more often than not people look at you and are amazed by the way you handle life and everything you do with such grace.  Give yourself a break because you are wonderful and you are doing an amazing job!  You are intrinsically valuable.  You are loved because you are you, not because of what you do.

I am working on letting go.  Letting go of the worry, the anxiety, the stress and the guilt that come from the things I just haven't gotten to yet.  I am letting go of the image I have of myself as this put together, go-getter who can do it all.  Its not reality and it makes me sad.  I don't need to be 100% all the time.  I just need to show up.  I need to show up for my family with a smile on my face.  I need to show up for my friends with tenderness in my heart.  The rest is just stuff.  We get to the stuff eventually.  I am done letting it ruin my day.

So here's a hug to you.  You're rockin' it!  You're doing so much better than you think.  I love you and know that really, nobody cares!