I am 6.5 weeks post partum and feeling okay. I have felt well for the most part but my social anxiety keeps catching me off guard. I remember after having Lydia that my anxiety was the first thing I struggled with, the depression came later. I will feel well one minute and then be filled with anxiety and completely overwhelmed very soon after. I have found that church is one of my greatest triggers. Each Sunday I have gone, I have come home feeling really low. It is so difficult for me because I love church, I NEED church. I look forward to partaking of the sacrament and feeling the Spirit and being lifted up by the teachings. But the social aspect is overwhelming.
I have found that articulating my feelings helps me to process and work through them, so I popped onto my blog to write about it - only to see the draft of a post from November about the EXACT same struggle, that I never finished. Seeing as I am still facing this and it is still so hard for me, I will just continue my thoughts from months ago.
I had the realization last week that I have changed in ways that are surprising to me and I don't know if I am all too thrilled with. In the past I have thrived on parties, large gatherings and any opportunity to be with others. I used to always say "any excuse for a party". But as of late, being in large groups triggers immense anxiety. Anxiety to the point of me rushing out in tears because I can't deal with the overwhelming emotions. As opportunities to get together with others approach my excitement wanes and fear takes over. I fear that I will have a breakdown, that I will regret going, that I will feel completely and utterly alone in a room full of people. And so, I have had to make the decision to simple not put myself in those situations anymore. And it makes me sad. It feels completely contrary to who I am and what I love. It makes me feel as though something is wrong with me. My desires to participate and plan and enjoy are being overshadowed by my inability to cope.
A few weeks ago I had a really busy weekend with parties at my house Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. I also went back to church for the first time Sunday morning with 3 of the 4 kids by myself. Before the party was over on Sunday night I ended up crying in a dark room, clutching my baby and pleading with myself to simply pull it together. As we were cleaning up afterward Anthony asked if I even had fun and I immediately blurted out no. What I can't wrap my head around is why I keep doing these things if they make me miserable. As I thought more about this I realized that it is not necessarily the event or gathering that causes my anxiety, it is the pressure I put on myself in relation to the event. I feel this compulsion to be put together, to have my house perfect, my kids well behaved, to pull it all off flawlessly. Which is ridiculous on a normal day, let alone within weeks of having a baby (and major surgery at that!). I will be honest that the thought of having people come in my house when there is anything (even 1 book) on the floor, makes me cringe. If I know someone is coming I feel that I must have all of the dishes done, the floor vacuumed, the shelves dusted, the table wiped clean, the kitchen swept, etc. I know that the people who come over love me and they simply don't care. They don't care if it is clean, they don't care if toys litter the floor or crumbs from snack time are under the table. They don't care if I am in sweats and I am sure they would even be okay if I forgot to put on deodorant in the race of my morning routine. So why I am so afraid? Why do I feel that my worth is connected with the state of my house, my outfit, my kids' tangled hair? I know it is all in my head. But I simply don't know how to let it go.
I know that as we prepare to move and I spend time packing that the every day stuff simply won't get done every day. And somehow I need to change. I need to accept that for now its okay to let some things go. If I want to get back to where I enjoy life and being with others, I must learn to let go. I need to be okay with people seeing my life as it really is - a HOT MESS! I need to stop putting on the show that I am mastering this whole 4 kid thing, because I am not. I am tired, I get so frustrated, I am overwhelmed. I want to be able to manage my life, but right now I simply can't. Anthony has tournaments nearly every weekend in April and May,which means I am on my own for many things (CHURCH - eek!). My kids will want to do fun things ans I will just have to decide - will I succumb to my fear of being judged or will I just embrace where I am and show up as I am, with no apology.
2 comments:
Just keep at it. My motto after I had my 4th was "four is more."I actually found it the hardest adjustment. For me I had to change my style to accommodate the fact that I couldn't do everything anymore. The result some stuff doesn't happen and my kids have to do more. I also had to establish a new attainable "normal". I also have really cut back on social stuff for me I've found I don't need it like I did as a younger Mom. I used to really need the get togethers with others and now find as the kids get older that personal time is more valuable and full filling to me than social stuff with my limited discretionary time.
I know this is a great big struggle for you but really you just sound normal in so many ways. Kids will cause chaos and you will feel frustrations and that is all normal life. You are doing a fantastic job. I agree with the above comment fully. The more kids I have had the more selective I have become with the things I do to fill my time or as one person said to me "fill my cup". I need time for me but the time for me that is best is not always with a group of people. Right now you are in the thick of motherhood and that is where your greatest time will be spent and that is where it should be. If you have to say no to a social event because you need to be at home do not let it make you feel anxious. If you go to an event but need to cut out early because it is making you feel anxious just tell them you told your kids you would not be too long- nobody will scoff at that. Here is a sports analogy for you: when you are pregnant it is as if you stop training and are sitting out a season and then when baby comes you are thrust back onto the team but are expected to play in a new position. You have seen and played enough hockey games to know that nobody could dive into a new position and play perfectly during the first game especially if they sat the last season out completely. You will figure out your new normal and it will not look like anyone elses and that is perfectly, well normal! I love you tons sweet sister!
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