Lately I have been thinking a lot about stories. The stories that create the fabric of our lives. The threads that create the patterns of our thoughts, the trajectory of actions. These threads, when all woven together, make us who we are today, describe who we were and predict who we will become. We all have a story and I have found that it is in sharing our story and in deeply partaking of the stories of others we find empathy, love, compassion, forgiveness, mercy and grace. We become more alive and present in this human experience.
When I share my heart with someone who truly wants to know me, loneliness dissipates. I feel that who I am matters. How I got here matters. Sharing our hearts, our stories, requires trust, vulnerability and time. Once we partake in the story of another we are changed, our relationship is changed and this is a beautiful thing.
I feel compelled to share my story, to allow it to exist and breathe in the universe. I have suffered from a great lack of self esteem for my entire life. I have spent over 20 years chasing an ideal that would somehow prove that I am important, I am of worth and value. I have worked, I have studied, I have done everything I could to feel that what I do matters, that I matter, to someone, anyone. What I have learned and have knowledge of in my mind is that I am innately of great worth but I have struggled desperately to feel it, truly feel it within my soul.
And so I continue to cycle through phases of trying desperately to fit in, to be needed, to ensure that no one else around could possible feel unloved to phases of not caring, shutting myself away and cutting people off. All of this is heightened by hormones of pregnancy and the fear that I will never be me again.
I used think that I would reach a certain level of contentment and joy by this phase of my life. I have found that more than ever I feel lost and unsure. The more I recognize my total lack of control over life and my future, the more inept I feel at handling it. I know the answer is to let go, to have faith, to take those ominous steps in the dark, but today I don't think I have it in me. Maybe tomorrow I will. Today, all I can do is be vulnerable.
This is my story. What is yours?
1 comment:
Kelsey.. you are amazing. Sharing our stories and being real and vulnerable is so tough at times, but you never know who you may inspire and touch and you have touched me. I sure miss you and the light you shine on others when you are near. Love you lady!
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