What do you think about when falling asleep?

My sister recently posted on her blog about her thoughts as she is falling asleep.  As I was in bed last night I started thinking - man, what do I think about before falling asleep.  And that is when it hit me, I fear falling asleep.  This is a recent development (only since Sophi was born) that I try to prolong going to bed as long as possible.  It was only today that I finally pieced it all together.  I stay up until my eyes are burning and heavy and the baby has been asleep far longer than necessary before putting her in the cradle.  I stay up doing mindless things that I don't really care about.  I stay up because I know that I have survived today and fear being unable to survive tomorrow. 
Its sad because I don't really have anything to look forward to.  I just want to stay in this moment when the house is still and I don't have to face my fear and responsibilities.  When everyone else is asleep I can pretend that life is okay and that I am happy.  Jaded is the word that I would correctly use to describe how I really feel.  No - not jaded or apathetic - I don't know how I would describe it.
But what it boils down to is a debilitating funk that disables me from doing much of anything.  Which I suppose is relative.  I get up and am able to get the girls and myself ready.  I can generally ensure there is food to eat.  But I get behind on my chores and overall tidiness around my house.  I can not work on any type of project and simply can't get motivated to much of anything that isn't essential.  I don't know if this is a late start on postpartum depression or just a struggle with the immense change that is my whole life.  Either way it keeps me up at night.
I should clarify that it is not necessarily my inability to do these things that bothers me, rather the guilt associated with not being able to do what I think I should be able to do.  I suppose that is the underlying issue that I deal with: GUILT.  The worst manifestation of this is the guilt I feel over having Sophi.  Which is complex in and of itself.  I knew that I needed to have Sophi long before she was born.  She is my angel baby and having her is the best decision I have made in a long time.  I love her dearly and she fills the empty parts of my heart.  Her smile takes my breath away and lightens my burdens.  So no, I don't regret having her - but I feel immense guilt over staying at home with our girls.  Which is ironic because every moment I worked I felt guilty about not being home with Alexandra.
The guilt comes from not being able to support my family any more.  While I hated working with a passion, I at least knew for a fact that we would have a home, food, clothes and insurance.  Now I feel that it is all out of my hands and I can't do a thing to help ensure that this happens.  I feel that perhaps I am being selfish for staying home and wanting to have more babies.  Am I?  I have worked so hard to finish school and do everything I can to help support my family and now I am not doing it anymore.  Should I be?  How can I overcome the guilt of watching everything I have worked so hard to accomplish fall apart?
The second realization I had today is that I am totally crazy.  After having Sophi I went on with life as though nothing had happened.  The day after I got home from the hospital we took the girls to Chuck E Cheese, the next day we were of to the botanic gardens, then we had the blessing and cooked food and cleaned house to have over 30 people come.  I haven't missed a single day of church and have gone somewhere nearly every single day.  What is wrong with me?  And today it hit me - if I don't take care of myself then no one else will. I can't take a month off from life and my family because it all must go on.  No one cares that I just had a baby, the world keeps spinning and I need to fill my role.  See how self centered I am?  I honestly think (or thought) that if I'm not involved in everything then it will all fall apart.  Wrong again, it is me who will fall apart if I am not involved.
The hardest part is feeling that I am at it alone.  I know my mom and sisters are there for me but sometimes you just need a hug and a shoulder to cry on (that is why I hate living so far away!).  I work so hard to try to be perceptive of the needs of the those around me.  When I start feeling self pity set in I go into overdrive trying to find people around me to serve.  My way of service may not be what they need, but I feel or perhaps hope, that the expression of love is felt and means something.  I guess that is why it is so hard for me when I feel that I am just hanging on my a thread.  I pray that someone, anyone would just notice or feel inclined to simply check on me.  My mom tells me that it is my own fault.  I always put on the front that everything is okay and I am doing well.  The truth is, if I put myself out there and people don't care, it hurts a million times more than people not helping out of ignorance.  I hate begging for friends and feel that I do it too much as it is.  I think I just need to stop inviting people to go and do things because then I can't be rejected over and over again and it doesn't hurt to never be invited to do anything.  Man, I seriously sound like a teenage girl - I guess we never grow out of the desire to be liked and have friends.
I suppose I just need to buck up and deal with it.  This is life - it is supposed to be hard and I should not be so needy.  So now that I have cried it all and babbled on in an embarrassingly public forum, I can maybe fear a little less and hope a little more.  What it all comes down to is a need for greater faith.  Faith that I am an okay person, faith that my decisions have been correct and faith that I can make it through another day.
That, is what I think about when falling asleep (or in the avoidance thereof).