Personal Reflection

I must confess that I have about 3 different posts in various stages of completion.  I have had a lot on my mind lately so I try to unload it all in a post but inevitably get distracted before I finalize and actually publish it.  So this one, I will try to get out right away :) 
We had a wonderful Christmas and everything seemed the same as usually until New Years day.  It felt like one of those birthdays  where you don't really know how to feel about it.  You aren't necessarily bummed about the new age but everything just seems a bit off.  This awkward feeling has persisted for 6 days now and I am trying to identify why I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
I have tried changing up my routine, settling back into my routine, letting go, gaining control, etc., but nothing seems to be working.  So perhaps maybe as I ramble on in a public forum I will be able to wind my way through my thoughts and feelings and get to the bottom of it.  Needless to say, this is more of a Kelsey post and the rest of the world will probably ignore/be bored to tears by my nonsensical talk.
This is working already, I just had a breakthrough.  I believe I have been subconsciously evaluating my life and I have found that I truly struggle with having relationships.  My communications skills are horrendous and my expectations are outrageous.  I think that I set people up to fail in my mind so in a twisted way they do as I expect.  This, I believe, is a defense mechanism because I am dreadfully afraid of being hurt.  I grew up being taught that good isn't good enough, I am smart enough and talented enough to be great.  As a teenager I found myself to be rather mediocre.  I did well in school but never really excelled in sports or other activities.  I began to feel as though if I couldn't reach a level of greatness then what was the point in trying at all.  One of things that I have always tried to be exceptional at is friendship.  I have never really needed many friends but those that I did have, I wanted them to know that I loved them and was there for them.  I think this depth was overwhelming for most other teenage girls.  I will admit, I have always gone above and beyond with the things I am passionate about and it scares people off. 
I wrote a poem my senior year about a friend of mine who was basically friends with everyone.  I compared us to people who read.  She was a "skimmer" - one who was extremely charismatic and connected with loads of people, albeit on a surface level.  I, on the other hand, am a deep reader.  I take a lot of time and try to really get to know people well.  I have always preferred this.  It became impossible for me to have a friendship with this girl because I felt that what she had to offer was insufficient for what I needed out of a friendship.  I needed someone like me, someone who wanted a deeper connection.  To this day I still get uncomfortable around her though we never actually see each other, the mention of her name makes me uneasy. 
I have never really understood why I felt this way.  I have tried for 10 years to accept and be happy with what her friendship was but I simply can't or should say won't.  I suppose my issue lies in the need for people to accept me for me, not the "stuff" that I do.  I make this really tricky though, because I do the "stuff" because I constantly feel impressed to do it.  The feeling doesn't go away until I concede and obey.  So I do the "stuff" but don't allow for even the opportunity of a deeper connection because if it isn't made or accepted, I feel vulnerable and hurt and most of all unaccepted for who I truly am.
And perhaps beyond that, I don't really know who I am beneath the "stuff" and that is the scariest part of all.
A wise friend of mine told me today that I need to learn to love people.  I think the hardest part of loving others is accepting what they have to offer.  She shared that it all starts with being interested in them and finding out the little things that are important.  So I have decided that I am going to *try* to stop "doing" all of the time and start listening.
I think that I have hidden behind business so I don't open myself up for connections with others in fear of them not being made.
Amazing, another breakthrough!  It all comes down to confidence and a strong feeling of self worth - two things I have lacked for most of my life.  If I was confident in who I am I wouldn't worry about these things.  I taught young women that they must see themselves as Heavenly Father sees them, but never learned to do it myself.  So here I am, ready to learn and ready to change - hoping that for once these "breakthroughs" will stay fresh in my mind and my heart and I will learn to overcome this doubt that constantly sits in the pit of my stomach.