A Friend Like Me

I try to be very self aware and honest about my idiosyncrasies, my limitations and other quarks about myself.  I know it isn't easy to be my friend.  I am needy, I struggle (a lot), I project my insecurities and fears, I can be super awkward and often find it difficult to connect and communicate with others.  This is who I am, I have tried to change and improve and will continue to work to be better, but I will most likely be some version of who I am today, for the rest of my life.
Friendship, few words cause more anxiety than this one.  I deeply, desperately want a friend.  Not just an acquaintance, or someone who I get along with well whenever we happen to be in a social setting together.  Those are great, but to me friendship, true friendship is so much more.  It is love, it is sacrifice, it is kindness, it is mercy, it is charity.  It is being there to laugh or to cry, being there when life is wonderful and when its terrible.  It is showing up.  It is being vulnerable.  It is sisterhood.  It is beautiful.
Who wouldn't want this in their life?  For those who have it, I hope you treasure it.  I hope you know how dear it is and I hope you are a friend in return.  Why is friendship so difficult for me?  Why do I struggle with a loneliness that cuts me to the core?  I have come to understand that this is just my struggle at this point in my life and I have two choices - let it define me or to just breathe.  Today I chose to breathe - deliberate breathes, on demand 'Kelsey, just breathe, in, out, just breathe'.  I made it through with only a few tears that slipped out at an awkward moment but I made it through.
I got to thinking how difficult it must be to be one of the people around me.  I wonder what it is like to watch as my demeanor, my confidence and my attitude all change in an instant, as it did today.  I have been told many times that I am unapproachable, so I must look mean, it has to be more than sad to scare people off.  I think though, it is fear.  I usually feel most alone at church, in a crowded room where it seems as though everyone else is engaged and happy and I am sitting by myself.  I fear crying.  I fear being asked 'are you okay?' when I don't know how to say no and feel that it actually matters.  I am tired - so tired of fighting this battle again - after such a great start and a determination to feel 'good' and now feeling terrible.  I know people are just being polite and I am too intense.  I get all of this, so I understand why it is hard to be around me.
I was thinking through what I would tell someone who wanted to know how to negotiate a friendship with me, because I feel it may help me in working through the ups and downs.  First, know that I don't know how to tell you that I am low, that I need a friend.  I will show up unexpectedly, probably with a gift, because it will give me an excuse, a reason for you to give me a minute of your time.  I will try to arrange something last minute, I will scrounge to find a way to connect with you because I know that connecting with you will bring immediate relief to my aching heart.  I will think about you and your life and try to fill a need.  I will try to do for you, what I would want done for me if I were in your situation.
Second, just because I can do, doesn't mean I can feel.  I have mastered the art of getting stuff done, even when I can barely function.  I have the ability to gut through pretty much any situation, regardless of my emotional state.  This may be my worst enemy.  It is deceitful and confusing.  Why would people wonder if I am alright, I must be if I am doing this and that.  It isn't fair, I know. But if I stopped doing whenever I felt low, I would never accomplish a thing in my life, fact.  Most likely if I am in beast mode and buzzing around, tending to everything, I am not well.  I cannot connect with people when I am low so I will focus on tasks and not people.
Lastly, don't take it personally.  I am most likely not mad, especially not at you.  I am hurting.  The pain is not necessarily the direct result of an action, it is often just pain.  I want so deeply to feel happy, to feel good, to see myself the way people say they see me.  This is so hard for me.  Don't assume you have inadvertently done something to upset me.  You probably haven't but if you wonder, just ask.  I have learned to be open, to be honest.  I will have those conversations with you, the really hard ones that you fear will cause damage.  I will have those with you because they won't harm a friendship, but what happens when we don't have those conversations, that will ruin everything.
All I ask is that you love me.  That you know I am working to be better.  I fret over my awkwardness, my ineptitude.  Tell me that its okay, that I'm okay.  Invite me into your life.  So often I feel that I am pounding on the doors of people's lives, begging to be let in.  I work to be the best friend I can possibly be, I will show up, I will do anything you need, but sometimes I just don't have it in me to be rejected.  Invite me into your life if you want me there.  Tell me that you need my friendship.  I am here for you, but I also need you to be there for me.  We all have 'stuff' going on.  We all struggle in some fashion.  I get it!  I do!  Let's just be there for each other.  Let's open our hearts, our doors and  our arms.  I originally thought that I would put 'I'm sorry if you have a friend like me' somewhere in this post, but I didn't, because I'm not.  I am pretty good friend.  I fail, I mess up, it happens.  But I will keep trying and keep loving.  So if you have a friend like me, please love her.  She needs all the love she can get.  And if you are like me, I'll be your friend, because I can use all the friends I can get!