Of value and worth

I have been in a bit of a slump lately.  I was involved in a health challenge and totally rocking it, then became discourage and gave up about 3 weeks ago.  Ever since I gave up on that it is as though I have given up on myself entirely.  I feel as though that 'failure' has stolen my voice.  I have been trying to write a post about a different topic for weeks but couldn't bring it together, I haven't been documenting the good, amazing things in my life anywhere - not on social media or in my journal.  I have just been silent.

As I was reluctantly putting on my workout clothes at 8:50 pm I realized that I have felt that nothing in my life is 'worth' putting out there for the world.  This hit me like a ton of bricks because that idea, if I buy into it, means that I don't see value in my life.  What a tragedy.  I do value my life and the joys that are so abundant each day but I suppose that because I have felt like a failure lately, I subconsciously don't think that anyone else would value the normalcy of life in our home.  And I realized that I am giving others too much power.

If a sweet picture of one of my girls makes me smile, it is worthy.  If I am proud that I kicked my butt in gear and finally exercised at 9 o'clock at night and it made me feel good, that is valuable.  If sunshine on my face lifted my spirits, it is worth remembering.  It is so easy to get caught up in social media.  I decided a bit ago that I would put a whole lot less stock in what I see there and focus more on the actual, real life interactions I have with people.  Weird, I know, why did I have to make that conscience decision?  Because like me, others like to share their joys, it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the lives of others are something far beyond what you can ever have.  It is easy to believe that people live carefree lives and we are doing something wrong because of the heavy burdens we bear.  It is easy to negatively judge and create opinions solely based on a few words, a few pictures and not our real life interactions with our 'real' friends.  Because I know that this can happen in my mind I fear others judging me for what I put out there.  When I am feeling vulnerable and weak I can't put my life out there for others to see in such a singular manner.  I want people to see my life and the complexity within.  You can't do that with the swipe of a finger.  I don't share so I can protect my heart.  But, as a result I feel that it is not of worth.  Crazy, I know...welcome to my world!

So, I am breaking my silence and putting something out there.  My reality today was feeling completely exhausted, so I binged on Easter candy even though I vowed to be off sweets (again) as of today.  I had to rush the kids through homework and an early dinner so I could take Ali to the doctor for an ear infection and try to make it to her choir concert on time.  I was so thrilled about actually being ahead of schedule that we stopped for shakes and cheese fries because, why not?  Guilt trip number 2 setting in.  When we sat down for the concert my phone died so I have no pictures or video for Anthony to see (since he was working of course).  We then headed to the pharmacy where we waited for 25 minutes for the prescription.  When we finally got home after 8 pm I felt completely overwhelmed by the thought of putting on a happy mommy face while trying to get the girls in bed and feeling again, completely exhausted.  Not to mention my house is a disaster and I HATE going to bed with a messy house and dirty dishes.  Luckily there were no tantrums (for me or the kids).  And that is how we got here, because I had two choices but picked the third - exercise or clean - but I blogged.  I decided to reaffirm to myself that I am valuable even when I am grumpy and tired and there's a little more giggle in my wiggle because Easter candy just tastes so much better than any other candy on the planet.  Even if no one responds to whatever I put out there, it is of worth because I see it that way.  I must choose peace and joy.  I must not add pressure and stress to my life because of what I think others may or may not think.  

You too are of worth and valuable.  You matter to me.  Your joys are worth celebrating, your deserve a hug in your struggles and I know that you are more than the sum of your posts.  Just know that so am I.