Mommy guilt...again!

I have felt myself slipping since Saturday.  I should have expected it, it always happens after a big event.  I threw yet another party at my house Friday night.  It was wonderful, but I was exhausted when it was all said and done.  Ali had her state DI tournament at NIU Saturday so we had to get up early and spent half the day chasing Lydia around, trying to keep her from freaking out and reeking havoc on a non-toddler friendly college campus.  When we got home Saturday afternoon the weather was beautiful and all I wanted to do was be outside with my family.  But of course Anthony had work so he was racing around getting ready and I felt completely incapacitated.
All I could do was sit on the couch.
Every 3.5 minutes either Sophi or Ali or both would come in, pleading with me to just go outside and jump on the trampoline.  I couldn't do it.  And then the guilt and frustration set in.  Guilty that I had given so much time and effort to others in the form of a party.  Guilty that I didn't reserve, save, offer the best of me to my girls.  Guilty that they only got the damaged left overs.  Guilty that it is always this way and I can't, won't, change that about myself. Frustrated that I couldn't just get up, put on a happy face and enjoy life.  Frustrated that the things that should bring me joy as a mother often don't. Frustrated that motherhood often feels like that pair of jeans you love from a distance but when you're wearing them they are tight and uncomfortable and you can't wait to rip them off and slip on your comfy sweats.  Guilty that I have been blessed with all I could ever want and yet I would rather do a million other things than play with my kids.
Saturday night I actually arranged for a babysitter, just so I wouldn't have to put my kids to bed.   But then my plans fell through and I had no where to go and no one to be with and the thought of roaming around somewhere aimlessly just to avoid my children and bedtime was pretty embarrassing.  So I canceled the babysitter, pulled on my big girl pants, put the kids to bed and cleaned up the house.  I did it.
Sunday was another race against the clock, getting my lesson ready, getting kids ready while Anthony was at work.  We made it, even though I forgot my lesson at home and Anthony had to run home and grab it, we made it.  The rest of the day was again, one thing after another.  Of course I feel run down, of course I am exhausted.  But how can I change the demands on me?  This has been my internal struggle for so long.  This week I have tried to take it easy because I don't have too many extra commitments.  But letting the laundry go overwhelms me.  I finally folded all nine or ten loads today, only to realize there are 2 more that are now dirty.  That's life, I need to stop letting it get me down.  But it just feels as though I am constantly in a race against some deadline and I only barely make it to one finish line before I am off to the next event.
I feel that being a mom in the way I 'think' I am supposed to be is suffering.  But perhaps being a mom is not what I have in my brain.  Perhaps being in their classrooms, going on their field trips, giving spelling quizzes, helping with homework, waiting at soccer practice, cooking dinner, doing things for their teachers, talking about their day, maybe these things count just as much as jumping on the trampoline and playing dolls.  But how do I stop the guilt?  How do I teach my kids that I spend most of my waking moments doing things that they generally benefit from in some way?  How do I redefine motherhood for me, for Kelsey Booth and what it means to be a mother in my home?
I suppose it starts with seeing what I add to my children's lives.  I suppose it starts with stopping, looking around and taking stock of all that have done.  I suppose it starts with teaching them.  Helping them understand that we all have likes and dislikes and we need to accept that others may not like to do what we do.  It requires patience - I must be patient with myself and allow myself to go at the pace I can reasonable keep on a given day.  And it will change, day by day and sometimes hour by hour.  I must also have patience with my girls.  I must be grateful that they want me in their lives and invite me in.  One day they may not want me around much.
At the end of the day my kids are well taken care of, even if Lydia has watched 10x's the pediatrician's maximum recommended t.v. time.   I need to learn to let go of the guilt.  To not allow it to discourage me.  So this is me letting go, again, for the millionth time.  Because I am I a good mom.  Even if motherhood doesn't always seem to fit and I get uncomfortable and anxious, I love being a mom and I love my girls dearly.  What more can I ask of myself?