The way you shape me

We like to think we are independent, uninfluenced by others, their words, their action and inaction.  We like to think that we are who we are and we determine who that is.  I have come to understand that this just isn't so.  We are shaped, molded, affected by those around us, especially by those closest to us.  The joy, the laughter, the compassion, the love, the tenderness, the bitterness, the forgiveness, the grudges, the unintentional offences, the unbearable sorrow and nerve exposing wounds are all part of us.  These blessings, these trials, these moments force us to become.  To become more kind, more empathetic, to become hardened, to become antagonistic, pessimistic, optimistic, to become faithful, prayerful.  We are the sum of our experiences and those who are so intricately intertwined within these experiences, inevitably make us who we are.  

And do they realize that?  Do you know and understand the impact you have on me?  What impact have I had on you?

Over the past six months many people in my life have moved away.  I have thought a lot about what they each meant to me.  How they each shaped my life, my outlook, my attitude, my confidence and sense of self-worth, my being.  I have considered if I am better for knowing them and prayed that are better for knowing me.  Despite this glorious technologically advanced age, in my life I have found that once people move they are gone.  We ‘keep tabs’ via social media but they are not in my life and I am no longer in theirs.  And so I worry.  I worry that the mishaps and mistakes will taint the good.  I worry that I will fade away into oblivion.  I worry about not touching the lives of others in a way that makes them smile when they look back at our time together.

I want so badly to be a source of goodness in this oft cold and harsh world.  I want to be a ray of sunshine in a memory, not a source of pain.  Perhaps I feel my only role is that of healer or fixer and when that is not required I don’t know where I fit in.  Perhaps I don’t realize the impact of a smile, a hug, the recognition of existence.

One sweet friend who was moving, I knew rather casually.  We attended book club together and played volleyball occasionally, we said hello to each other when passing in the halls at church.  Shortly before she left she wrote a letter to me.  It spoke to my heart on so many levels; it has brought me to tears and been the source of incredible joy and gratitude over and over again.  I was shocked by her kind words, the way she understood me, understood my heart, from our limited interactions.  I don’t know if she will ever truly understand the great gift she gave me.

I wish only that I had known before it was too late.  I wish I had known when we still had time.  Time to cement a greater friendship.  But I am learning that all is not lost.  My role in her life was what she needed.  She didn’t need more from me and that’s okay.  As I was open and willing to give of myself, she took the small portion she needed to be filled.  I had no idea that what felt like small gestures - just me being me - could be a source of light for another.  What a marvelous idea. 

Me just being me.

Oh how grateful I am for someone seeing me, truly seeing me.  What a gift.

And so, I am working to be better at giving this gift to others.  Right now, before it is too late.  I am working to express my gratitude, my love, my admiration, right now.  I want the people in my life to know that you shape me.  You change me.  I am trying to see the lovely ways my life is bettered by you and to tell you.  Because you should know.  I want to give you the gift of knowing that I am better because you are in my life.  I want you to know that your courage and strength build me up.  That your kindness carries me through.  That your vulnerability breaks down my walls.

And for those who have hurt me, I am trying to forgive. I am working and praying to have my heart softened, to see the good.  To focus on the joy I felt and the reasons I wanted to have you in my life.  I am trying to forget the times I felt taken advantage of, unloved and unimportant.  I am working to change my reactions to the memories and see you in the light.

I try and I fail.  But each day, I wake with a renewed desire to bless, even if in some small way, the lives of others.  So see the good in those around you.  Tell them what you see.  Recognize the great power and impact you have on all of us.