People aren't banks and life simply isn't fair

While driving to the temple yesterday I opted for quiet and an atmosphere in the car that was fit for prayer and contemplation.  As I poured my heart out to Heavenly Father and worked to prepare myself to enter His holy house, I was blessed with a wondrous revelation that I hope to always remember and keep close to my  heart.  I realized that people are not banks.  We cannot make deposits in them, giving our time, our love, our energy, our service and our hearts, with the expectation that we can, at some later time, withdraw what we have given.  Relationships can't be viewed in terms reciprocity and fairness.  Because life simply isn't fair - or is it?  Sometimes we must be the giver.  Sometimes we must give and show up and love, knowing we will never be filled in return by the recipient.  This is the definition of unconditional love.  Loving - giving all that we are - without needing, wanting, demanding it in return.  It is choosing that their actions, their reactions, their lack of actions won't change us, won't stop us, won't harden us.

Oh how difficult and trying this is.

Oh how I ache for people to love me the way I love them.

And then I realized that I am often the taker.  There are people in my life who give quietly and persistently and without asking or demanding anything in return.  They love me unconditionally.  They see me, they show up.  And I didn't even realize it.  I have been going along feeling bad for myself because of the way others take advantage of me and I have been doing the same ungrateful thing.

Bitterness is often the result of ingratitude.  By not recognizing the good, the great abundance in our lives we can feel forgotten and unloved.  We compare, we expect and then we stop.  We stop giving goodness and love because we feel cheated.  I catch myself thinking these thoughts at times. I want to pull out the measuring stick and line myself up, all my deeds, with others.  I want to prove that I have given more than what is fair, more than I what I even had to give.  What a dangerous and lonely path that is.

While life often seems unfair, that's okay.  The abundance of another, does not in any way diminish what I have, only my perspective, my attitude, my choices can do that.  Gratitude has an amazing ability to expand.  When we look for and appreciate the good, the difficult, the draining and the uplifting things in our lives, we see that they are all for our growth and our development.  Our eyes are opened and we find greater joy and love in what is already there.  We don't need more.  We need gratitude.  We need to give without expectation.  We need to love without conditions. 

I will not receive what I give, because I don't need it.  I have been created by my Heavenly Father to fill voids, to be me, to give what only I can give, in ways that only I can give it.  My love is unique to me and I am learning to love that about myself.  For so long I wished that my brain were wired differently - I didn't want to be me anymore.  Now, I marvel at the way the Lord can use me, when I am willing.  When I choose to open my heart, to step up and reach out.  We can be the goodness.  If we choose.  When we stop looking for fairness and equability we begin to love and give and receive with great power.  And this changes people.  It changes us.  I need the love that only you can give me.  You fill me and all those around you in ways that are unique to you.  Stretch yourself, give when it hurts, forgive when you can't, love when you don't want to.

Today I am committing to change.  Today I am committing to choose to see the good and truly accept what others give, because it is probably their very best, perhaps more than they even had.  I am working to love unconditionally.  To find joy and peace in being a giver.  To allowing that joy to fill me.  I want to be a cheerleader for those around me and reassure them that we are all in this together.  Working our way through this life that is so hard.