I am pregnant with baby number four! I am so excited and have been waiting for this but have also felt a lot of fear going into it. Hormones and I don't get along very well. What is life giving for my baby, robs me of my sense of self and reality. The nausea is uncomfortable (at best!) but it is the depression - the deep ache within my being that I struggle with mightily.
Gratitude and love fill my heart, they do. I have known since Lydia was born that this baby was anxious to join our family. I know that I am truly blessed to be able to have babies. So please, don't take this as ingratitude for an incredible blessing. I know that this pregnancy and my struggles with it, are gifts from a loving Father in Heaven. But honestly, I fear getting pregnant because of the depression that controls my life for the 2 years that follow.
I have good days. Days where I feel joy, peace, love - days where I feel like myself. But I also have really, really tough days where I lay on the floor sobbing. Sobbing because my body hurts, sobbing because my heart hurts, sobbing because I feel so utterly alone. I know people say 'let me know if you need anything'. But I can't. How do you call or text someone and say 'Hey, so I am incapable of doing anything in my life right now. Will you drop everything and put my kids to bed for me?' I can't do it. I have tried to reach out in subtle ways but even those hurt. They hurt because I don't feel that my deep sorrow will matter enough. That it will be understood enough. That it will actually warrant the sacrifice of another. It scares me to be vulnerable, especially in those moments - my worst moments. And so I pray. I pray to know what to do next. Sometimes the answer is take a shower or take out the garbage. Sometimes it is hold your baby or take a nap. But there is always an answer. And somehow, through the grace of God, I get through it.
My next challenge is to not become bitter. To not become angry and hurt. My job is to recognize that this trial, this struggle is for my benefit. It is my refiner's fire. Through these moments, these days, I feel what I know others feel. I hurt in ways I never knew I could hurt before. My ability to see, understand, comfort and empathize is heightened. I work through these experiences to find my way to my Savior. To be more capable of following His example and loving people as He loves them - and me. People tell me that I need to learn to love myself. I feel that I have made great progress in this. I am learning to love who I am. But loving myself doesn't subdue the loneliness. The loneliness makes me question my worth, but ultimately that is not the core issue. I need to learn to not be hurt by other people's advice.
What I really want, what I really need is just someone to cry with. I don't need to be fixed because there's nothing wrong with me. I need to be seen. I need to be heard. And I have learned that it will most likely not be by a friend. Friendships are hard for me. I try, but I don't know how to make them work. So I am learning to accept the love of my Savior. I am learning to accept His friendship as enough.
I will be a mess from now until who knows when. I will do my best but my best now will feel like a lesser best. I am working to be okay with that. Because this season of my life is a blessing and my choice to have another baby will bless my life forever. This struggle will be forgotten amid the beauty that will surface because of it.
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