Blessing of the temple

A couple of weeks ago my dear friend Julie offered to watch my girls so I could attend our stake temple day.  I was deeply touched by her thoughtfulness and willingness to sacrifice so that I could do something that is so important to me.  I really, really needed to go to the temple today.

All week I have been feeling like I am falling more and more behind each day.  I was out of town unexpectedly last week and then we went out of town the day after I returned for the long weekend.  I have felt that I can't keep up with my normal day to day responsibilities let alone start tackling the long list of projects that need to be attended to.  My energy, stamina and moral have been low and I have been working so hard to not start spiraling into a depression.  When I get like this it requires every ounce of energy and patience, which means there is literally nothing left for my children.  When you're a mom, that is a scary place to be.

Needless to say, the fact that Anthony was home this morning was an incredible blessing.  I simply could not wait to retreat to the peace of the temple tonight.  I felt emotional during the drive down but didn't really know why my heart felt so heavy.  Upon entering, I realized that I am absolutely terrified.  I am so afraid to have another baby, to feel even more inept and unable to keep up with my  life.  I am terrified of having to change who I am and what is important to me.  I fear having to do it all on my own, with no one in my corner rooting me on.  I worry about not being the mom my kids need and totally messing them up.  I just don't know how I can do this.

After the session as I sat in the celestial room, feeling great comfort by the peace that was beginning to fill my soul, I wasn't sure what I should pray about.  Someone asked if my prayers had been answered yet and I was caught so off guard that I replied that no, it usually doesn't happen right away.  And then my eyes filled tears.  Because in that moment I knew I was completely wrong, my prayers, the unasked prayers that my Father in Heaven knew were in my heart, were being answered.  He knew that in that moment I needed a hug and so my heart was enveloped in His love.  He knew that I was so scared and He reminded me that He has a plan for me and this is part of it.  He won't ever make me walk the path alone.  He is there, always right beside me.  At those times when I feel so utterly alone, He is there.  When I feel I can't take another step, He is there.  When I doubt who I am and why I am wired this way, He reminds me that He created me and He doesn't make mistakes.  When I plead for just one friend, one who really knows my heart, He reminds me that my Savior has felt all that my heart has felt.

Oh what a blessing it is to attend the temple.  What a blessing it is to know that my Heavenly Father knows me, loves me and answers my prayers.  What a blessing it is to know that what I see as my greatest faults and inabilities, are gifts that I can use to bless others.  Without my faith I don't know where I would be.  I don't know who I would be.  And while I will continue to feel on the outside, looking in and wishing for an invitation, I know I am not out there alone.