Today I had my 20 week ultrasound and we found out that I am expecting our fourth girl. I will admit, tears rolled down my cheeks for the remainder of the ultrasound after I realized I would never have a son.
When I got home I literally locked myself in my room with a tub of chocolate peanut butter ice cream and wouldn't answer my phone. It wasn't until a sweet friend reached out tonight, excited to hear the results of the ultrasound, that I finally understood why I was so upset. It hit me that I am absolutely terrified by the thought of raising a fourth daughter.
I feel so overwhelmed by the three girls I have now. I feel that I'm not and can't be the mother they need, the role model they need, the teacher they need. I am so afraid of messing up on another girl - perhaps I would fare better with a son and learn to be a better mother, the mother my children need, if things were different. I know it sounds silly. I know that I need to learn to be a good mother to the amazing children I have been blessed with. I know that each one of them was sent to me specifically to teach me and love me in the ways I need. But I feel inept at being able to give them what they need.
My sweet friend told me "God has a plan and this little sweetie picked you! She saw something in you and wanted you forever". I cry every time I read that and hope it is true. My life has been blessed beyond measure by the three special girls we have and I know this baby will bring love and joy without bounds. I just hope I can measure up.
No comments:
Post a Comment