For some bizarre reason unknown to me I spent a good bit of time blog stalking today. I was linking to the blogs of a number of people I went to high school with. It was interesting to see a snapshot of their lives after 9 nears of literally no communication. I was then saddened because I thought of the picture these people probably have in mind when they think of me.
My senior year of high school was AWFUL. My family was in extreme upheaval and I rebelled to cope with the stress and strain. I made many, many terrible, horrible decisions and thought at the time that they were great and wonderful. The final impression I left on the people I went to high school with was a picture of me at one of the lowest points in my life. I practically ostracized myself from everyone I went to high school with and did not maintain any of the friendships I had previously made.
As I was thinking about this I realized that I have not really carried any relationships forward with me in life (other than my family). Each time I move I leave behind the friends I made and never carry anything forward. Tonight this fact saddened me and forced me to reflect on why this is.
As I was blog stalking I realized that many of the people I went to school with are still friends with a lot of people from high school. My sisters have good friends from college. I feel so incredibly disconnected. I know that many of my current friends will be moving within the next year or so and the thought of not having them in my life anymore makes my heart ache. I want to learn to have relationships that last.
I always joke that I won't go to any of my high school reunions because I didn't like most of the people back then, why would I like them now. The truth behind this scathing jest is that I am afraid. I am such a different person now and I am afraid that all of the judgements from a decade ago will continue to distort people's view of me.
Today I am a....
Committed mother of 2 beautiful girls
Loved wife of an incredible man
Strong member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
Wannbe kitchen queen
Novice Forex trader
College graduate
Full time house keeper
Reality TV addict
Health insurance expert
Retired hockey player
Candy land guru
Diaper changing machine
Blogger
Recipe reading addict
Sensitive soul
Cake decorator
Party planning lover
Blackhawks fan
Disciplinarian
Wannabe book worm
Deal finder
Jalapeno chip muncher
I suppose it shouldn't really bother me - what others think about that girl I once was. I would be lying if I said it didn't. Living in Illinois I don't really run into those people (unless they happen to appear on Oprah!). So I don't think I will ever have the opportunity to show that I am different now. Am I the only one with these feelings? Tell me what you think!
3 comments:
Kelsey, I know that if you were to see those people of the past they would be as happy about the amazing woman you have become as I am. I have been around for those years of growth and change and I know that you are striving daily to be what it is your Heavenly Father wants you to be. It is amazing when you think of all of the people you cross paths with in life and how some are so easy to pick up where you left off and others you may never see or speak to again. Life is interesting that way. Keep enjoying your life!
Well, I hope that we can always be friends. I only wish we would have become even better friends while we lived near one another. I actually admire you more for having gone through hard times. They are in fact what have made you into what you are now. It is ALL the pieces of our history that make us who we are. :) Love you & love reading your blog! -M
kels, you are beautiful and wonderful. you do so much good in your life and i think it's good for the soul to keep in contact with good friends you've made. i too am horrible about keeping up relationships once i've moved. i find the blog easier b/c i comment on theirs and they comment on mine and it helps. it's helped revive some good nursing school contacts that after we all graduated and moved on.
i've even found a friend and commented and waited to see if they respond. if so, we get back in touch. maybe something you could do as well.
i know it's scary to face a past you don't like about yourself, but proudly reconnecting with people and letting them see who you are know and the amazing life you have, can help them come to know you again and better. a class reunion could be fun and good for you!
love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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